It seems to me, and the statistics confirm my feelings, that marriage is in disarray these days. Psychologists, counselors, and pastors could list a myriad of reasons (money, sex, etc.) for the current instability of the marriage bond, but the more I observe broken marriages around me, the more I conclude that there is essentially one reason: we don't really believe in commitment anymore. We think we do, but we don't because we don't really understand what commitment is. You see, people used to commit to something and see it through, despite their feelings. Now we list our feelings as a valid reason for breaking our word. If you can break your commitments because you feel like it, then you haven't really committed. That, after all, is the very purpose and intent behind commitment. We commit because we know we aren't always going to feel like following through. Our commitment is a means of holding ourselves responsible to follow through even when things aren't optimal.
The business world illustrates this for us well. We enter into contracts in order to ensure that, regardless of the ultimate profitability of a job, both sides will fulfill their respective responsibilities in the agreement. We enlist the aid of third parties, often public notaries, to witness our agreement in order to provide accountability. We are only allowed to break our commitment based upon pre-established conditions. If one party breaks the contract, the other party is no longer bound by it either. The same basic principles all apply to marriage. We enter into an agreement with each other, known to Christians as a covenant. We promise many things, love and fidelity being the most basic. We invite our friends and family to bear witness to our arrangement, God Himself being called upon as the ultimate witness to the proceedings, in order to provide sure accountability. We promise to stay committed, regardless of what life throws our way. We are freed from this covenant only when one partner dies or breaks the covenant.
So why do so many marriages end because of adultery or "irreconcilable differences"? The answer is simple: we don't really mean or understand what we're promising. Any excuse for breaking the marriage covenant, aside from the prescribed Biblical reasons, belies our claim to being committed. Commitment exists because there are so many petty reasons to get divorced. Our circumstances and feelings are guaranteed to fluctuate. Making a commitment establishes an objective guard to keep us in the relationship. A commitment is something outside of ourselves to protect both ourselves and our mates from our fickle whims. If you're committed unless [fill in the blank], then you're not really committed. If you're committed unless you don't feel like being committed, then you're not really committed. If you're committed unless you're emotions change, then, once again, you were never really committed. Many, if not most, marriages experience some sort of rough patches inevitably. Many spouses may even doubt whether or not they married the right person, sometimes those doubt even being justifiable. Being committed means working things out, even if you come to realize that it was an disadvantageous match.
Generally speaking, our country no longer values having a reputation of keeping one's word. Instead of painstakingly going out of our way to maintain such a persona, we find ways to get out of our commitments. Personal pleasure trumps all, even our promises. Failed marriages and dishonest business deals simply reveal this underlying character flaw that pervades our self-absorbed, individualistic, and hedonistic society. This lack of respect for commitment has become institutionalized as formerly-reprehensible things like divorce and bankruptcy are now seen as normal functions of society. Regardless of what our society says, however, God still holds us to our commitments. Whether or not our friends hold us accountable to the vows we made on our wedding day, God still does. No matter how the world around us views honesty, God still calls us to be people of our word. In the 15th Psalm we find the question, "Who shall dwell on Your [the LORD's or Yahweh's] holy hill?" before going on to list the types of people who are honoring to God. Among the replies we find he "who swears to his own hurt and does not change." Keeping your word despite incurring the ramifications (financial, emotional, etc.) is what being truly committed is all about. It reveals a heart of integrity and sincerity, a heart that has submitted to obeying God, despite temporal circumstances. This is the type of heart that God desires. This is the type of character that is honoring to Him.
So the key to healing marriages in America is not simply teaching people proper conflict resolution techniques or providing financial counseling. If we would reduce the divorce rate, we must return to a point where making a commitment actually means something. We must learn to become people of our word. We must learn to keep our commitments, even if it hurts.
The business world illustrates this for us well. We enter into contracts in order to ensure that, regardless of the ultimate profitability of a job, both sides will fulfill their respective responsibilities in the agreement. We enlist the aid of third parties, often public notaries, to witness our agreement in order to provide accountability. We are only allowed to break our commitment based upon pre-established conditions. If one party breaks the contract, the other party is no longer bound by it either. The same basic principles all apply to marriage. We enter into an agreement with each other, known to Christians as a covenant. We promise many things, love and fidelity being the most basic. We invite our friends and family to bear witness to our arrangement, God Himself being called upon as the ultimate witness to the proceedings, in order to provide sure accountability. We promise to stay committed, regardless of what life throws our way. We are freed from this covenant only when one partner dies or breaks the covenant.
So why do so many marriages end because of adultery or "irreconcilable differences"? The answer is simple: we don't really mean or understand what we're promising. Any excuse for breaking the marriage covenant, aside from the prescribed Biblical reasons, belies our claim to being committed. Commitment exists because there are so many petty reasons to get divorced. Our circumstances and feelings are guaranteed to fluctuate. Making a commitment establishes an objective guard to keep us in the relationship. A commitment is something outside of ourselves to protect both ourselves and our mates from our fickle whims. If you're committed unless [fill in the blank], then you're not really committed. If you're committed unless you don't feel like being committed, then you're not really committed. If you're committed unless you're emotions change, then, once again, you were never really committed. Many, if not most, marriages experience some sort of rough patches inevitably. Many spouses may even doubt whether or not they married the right person, sometimes those doubt even being justifiable. Being committed means working things out, even if you come to realize that it was an disadvantageous match.
Generally speaking, our country no longer values having a reputation of keeping one's word. Instead of painstakingly going out of our way to maintain such a persona, we find ways to get out of our commitments. Personal pleasure trumps all, even our promises. Failed marriages and dishonest business deals simply reveal this underlying character flaw that pervades our self-absorbed, individualistic, and hedonistic society. This lack of respect for commitment has become institutionalized as formerly-reprehensible things like divorce and bankruptcy are now seen as normal functions of society. Regardless of what our society says, however, God still holds us to our commitments. Whether or not our friends hold us accountable to the vows we made on our wedding day, God still does. No matter how the world around us views honesty, God still calls us to be people of our word. In the 15th Psalm we find the question, "Who shall dwell on Your [the LORD's or Yahweh's] holy hill?" before going on to list the types of people who are honoring to God. Among the replies we find he "who swears to his own hurt and does not change." Keeping your word despite incurring the ramifications (financial, emotional, etc.) is what being truly committed is all about. It reveals a heart of integrity and sincerity, a heart that has submitted to obeying God, despite temporal circumstances. This is the type of heart that God desires. This is the type of character that is honoring to Him.
So the key to healing marriages in America is not simply teaching people proper conflict resolution techniques or providing financial counseling. If we would reduce the divorce rate, we must return to a point where making a commitment actually means something. We must learn to become people of our word. We must learn to keep our commitments, even if it hurts.
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