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Worse than Hatred: When Spouses Despise Each Other

Few emotions are worse than hatred.  Few things divest a person of his dignity and sense of purpose like knowing that someone hates him.  This is particularly true when those who hate him are those who are closest to him, especially his family.  Nevertheless, there are a few things worse than hatred, and one of them is being despised.  In modern usage despise is often used synonymously with hatred, but, historically speaking, it had a much different meaning.  To despise a person once referred to looking down upon a person or viewing him as worthless.  For many of us, being hated, as degrading and hurtful as that might be, would still be preferable to being despised.  You can still be respected, even if you're hated.  Once you're despised, however, you've lost all respect. 

Being respected is a fundamental desire of all mankind, a desire we seek to fulfill through two (at least) different means.  The first is personal self-advancement.  We cultivate our skills, enhance our appearances, and advance in our careers in attempts to garner respect and acknowledgement. 

The second means through which we seek respect is relationships.  We are communal creatures by nature and the way our fellow men view us comprises a large part of how we view ourselves.  Respect is a vital cornerstone of interpersonal relationships, whether they be in the home, church, society, or workplace.  Mutual respect fosters productivity and harmony, even despite significant differences in personality and beliefs.  Disrespect, however, breeds sorrow, self-contempt, and apathy, even when there is essential unity of perspective.  It is particularly destructive to romantic relationships, especially marriages.  If there is no respect in a marriage, there can be no love.  Before you can lay down your life for your spouse, you must respect him/her. 

Much has been made in conservative Christian communities about the man's need for respect, but men and women both need respect, though it manifests itself differently.  One the one hand, men need to be honored.  They need to feel that their wives and children respect them as their leader, protector, and provider.  This why, right or wrong, men often feel intimidated by women who make more money than they do--they have an innate desire to be viewed as the provider of the family.  Women, on the other hand, need to feel loved.  Being loved, to a woman, is not being lusted after or even just being needed--it is being wanted.  Women want to know that their husbands would choose them over any and every other woman on the planet.  Women desire to be valued.  These two ideas are opposite sides of the same human coin.  Men and women both need respect. 

It's easy to tell when a marriage is in serious trouble.  When a husband and wife hate each other, they often still have passion for one another, but when they look at each other with utter disgust, their marriage is in serious jeopardy.  When they have reached the point of despising each other, reclaiming the marriage is nearly impossible.

This reminds me of a story found in 2 Samuel 6.  When the Ark of the Covenant, which had been away from the Tabernacle since it was lost in battle against the Philistines, was finally being brought into Jerusalem, King David could be seen dancing vigorously before the Lord.  Verse 6 records his wife's reaction to this spectacle: "Then it happened as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David that Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart."  This marked the beginning of the end for their once-loving relationship.

Ultimately, we should derive our self-worth from God and not from our spouse, but God commands us to treat each other respectfully.  He created us and He knows that mutual respect and consideration is fundamental to the oneness of marriage.  This can be very difficult because every marriage is a conjoining of two depraved sinners.  After all, we're married to sinners who are just as flawed and difficult as we are!  The key to showing respect, even to those who, frankly, have earned disrespect, is to view your spouse as God views them.  Are your spouse's sins unforgivable?  If a perfect God can forgive him/her, certainly you, a sinner, have no right to refuse to extend forgiveness, too.  If we are called to love, honor, and sacrifice for all of our fellow believers, then certainly we must start with our spouses! 

If you or your marriage has reached this point, don't give up.  If you want resources for rebuilding your marriage, check out this site and check out one of this group's events. 






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